Criticism – can you handle the jandal?
When we deal with any perceived negative feedback it’s easy to assume that, it’s as if we were still children. That when we lied to our parents, teachers or other adults, they were more experienced at picking up your misdemeanours and therefore were always right. We can keep believing the lie that we are usually wrong and those that bring the criticism are right.
Although we can learn as we grow that’s not necessarily true, that early emotional path of pain and negativity can remain.
So how do you override those early motor neuron paths and that punch-to-the-gut sensation?
It’s good to go rational first to deal with the big picture of criticism or critique. And to remember that there’s constructive and destructive criticism. Both types can challenge character, ideas or ability. You can define the types by the way they’re delivered. The destructive kind can hurt your pride and erode your confidence. Sometimes this destructiveness is done naively and some is deliberately awful. And remember that if you can put ‘you jerk’ on any part of the communication, (body language, tone or words) it’s aggressive behaviour, not assertive. I’ll often dismiss the remarks if the criticism doesn’t pass the ‘you jerk’ test.
When receiving criticism:
We start some thinking that’s not useful to us. We think someone is saying that we’re a bad person when they’re mostly talking about what they see in our behaviour. Our brains spin mercilessly to try protect us from the perceived “threat”. It isn’t helpful to listening and learning from the criticism.
That’s why most people’s first reaction is to go one of two ways: blame, or shame. Blame goes “Well they’re not perfect, they should deal with their stuff before they talk to me!” Shame goes “Oh I’m such a bad person, I want to crawl under a rock and die.” Work out how you initially react, so you can receive useful criticism. (You can even work out which way you go right now, and always be prepared!) You’ll find yourself listening a lot better.
Remember you can accept it all, accept some, or reject all of the criticism. You get to choose what’s useful to you.
Take time to decide whether it is genuine criticism or whether there is some other reason for it. For example, that someone is angry or frustrated, they’ve been triggered by something and you are simply there in front of them.
It’s useful to repeat the main points you heard them say. For example you can begin “So you feel/think that I/this report...”. As with any feedback, thank the person providing it. You’re appreciating their taking the risk of giving something that may not be appreciated. It doesn’t mean you’ve accepted it, but if it’s mostly a positive working relationship, this will keep the relationship.
Reflect and acknowledge any truthful elements of the criticism, even if they are hard to hear.
If the criticism is only partly true, refrain from the common response of counter-criticism. Not everyone is skilled in giving feedback. Criticism with a hint of truth tends to be wounding, but it may be offered with good intentions and poor delivery.
The last optional step is to, if appropriate, try using WIN if you want to give the person assertive feedback on their criticism. The acronym WIN stands for When I.. I felt… Next time…
‘When I heard you say ‘You’re always late and your work is sloppy ‘,
I felt surprised and overwhelmed.
Next time, rather than saying something general, have some specific examples, then I can change those. ”
Using WIN means you can be specific about the situation, then state how you feel. No-one can argue about how you feel, and this has an impact on the other person, who may have been oblivious to your reaction. Your feelings also give the person a chance to see another side of you. Brene Brown calls this being vulnerable. And then you constructively ask for what would work better for both of you next time.
This gives you a taste of the Resilience programme, and the kind of things I explain for you to use to bounce back from things that can bring you down. Call or email me to receive a special offer on the programme this week.
